RECKLESS JOKE PAGE

RECTUM STRECHER
I was riding my bike down the A96 the other day and a copper came out from behind a bridge with a radar gun. He waved me to stop and asked me what I thought I was doing. I said I was late for work. He said, what do you do? I said I am a RECTUM STRETCHER. what does one of them do he asked? I put in 1 finger and wiggle it about until I can get 2 in then do the same until i can get 4 in and so on and so on until i can get both hands in, then I stretch the hole to about 6 feet. He said, What do you do with a 6 foot arsehole? I said "Give him a radar gun and make him stand under a bridge!".

Speeding fine £60
Trumped up charge £140
Look on coppers face £priceless
SUBMITTED BY Duncan fae Twisted Pistons MCC

REAL BIKER
A biker went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. She turned to the biker and asked, "Are you a real biker?" He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on bikes. My mother was pregnant with me when she rode on the back of my Dad's bike, then as a little boy I rode on the back with my Dad until I finally got my own bike. I've been riding bikes ever since. So yes, I guess I am a real biker." She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women; when I shower, watch TV, eat, whatever, everything seems to make me think of women." Then she got up and left. The biker was thinking about what just happened when a man sat down next to the biker and asked, "Are you a real biker?" He replied, "I always thought I was, but I've just found out I'm a lesbian."

VALENTINES
Three guys are at a bar a doctor, a lawyer, and a biker. The doctor as he is drinking his wine says, "for Valentines Day I am going to give my wife a fur coat and a gold necklace. That way if she doesn't like the fur coat she will still love me because I gave her a gold necklace". The lawyer while drinking his martini says, "for Valentines Day I am going to give my wife a designer dress and diamond earrings. That way if she doesn't like the dress she will still love me because I gave her diamond earrings". The biker as he is drinking his shots of whiskey says, "for Valentines Day I am going to give my ol’ lady a tee shirt and a dildo. That way if she doesn't like the tee shirt she can go fuck herself".

A biker goes into a bar and sees a donkey with a bucket of money. Whats that for? the biker ask's. The bartender says "You put in £1 and if you make him laugh, you win the money. The biker drops in £1 and whispers in the donkeys ear. The donkey cracks up. The biker grabs the cash and leaves. The next week he drops by the same bar. The donkey is still laughing with a fresh bucket of money. The barkeep says that since the donkey can't stop laughing, the money is for whoever can get him to stop. The biker grins, drops in his buck and takes the donkey out into the alley. Soon they return and the donkey crying his eyes out. The biker reaches for the dough but the bartender stops him. I don't mind you winning the pot but let me know how you did it. The biker replies "Last week I told him I had a bigger dick than him. This week, I showed him."

CLUMSY DRIVER
This lorry driver sat eating his egg and chips in a transport cafe, when a Biker gang walked in. They walked up to the lorry driver, started eating his dinner and drinking his tea. The lorry driver just stood up and walked out. The Biker gang leader walked up to the counter and sticking his chest out said "He wasn't much of a man was he?" "No" said the cafe manager, "he wasn't much of a lorry driver either, he's just reversed over ten motorbikes!"

REAL FUN
A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and she says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten years!" he says. She reaches over, unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!" Then she asks, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?" He replies, "Ten years!" She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!" Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?" And the man replies, "My God! Don't tell me you've got a motorcycle in there!"

Drunk Biker
A drunk biker is riding through a town and his bike is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. The cop says to the biker, "Where have you been?" "I've been to the pub," slurs the biker. "Well," says the cop, "It looks like you've had quite a few." "I did all right," the biker says with a smile. "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, "that a few junctions back, your wife fell off the bike?" "Oh, thank heavens" sighs the biker. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

The Pissed Biker
A biker walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him? The biker is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same biker stumbles in the SIDE door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and, still politely - but more firmly, refuses service to the man due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab. The biker looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head. A few minutes later, he bursts in through the BACK door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately. The surprised biker looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries "MAAAN! How many fuckin' bars do you work at?

The Flea
A flea had oiled up his little flea legs and his little flea arms, had spread out his blanket, and was proceeding to soak up the Miami sun when who should stumble by on the beach but an old flea friend of his. "Oscar, what happened to you?", asked the flea, because Oscar looked terrible, wrapped up in a blanket, his nose running, his eyes red, and his teeth chattering. "I got a ride down here in some guy's mustache and he came down here by motorcycle. I nearly froze my nuts off," wheezed Oscar. "Let me give you a tip, old pal," said the first flea, spreading some more suntan oil on his shoulders. "You go to the stewardess lounge at the airport, see, and you get up on the toilet seat, and when an Air Florida stewardess comes in to take a leak, you hop on for a nice warm ride. Got it?" So you can imagine the flea's surprise when, a month or so later, while stretched out all warm and comfortable on the beach, who should he see but Oscar - looking more chilled and miserable than before. "Listen," said Oscar, "I did everything you said. I made it to the stewardess lounge and waited till a really cute one came in, and made a perfect landing and got so warm and cozy that I dozed right off." "And so?" asked the first flea. "And so the next thing I know, I'm on this guy's mustache again!"

Ladies First
On a long road trip a biker decided to pull into the first watering hole he could find to wash down the road dust. The bar that he stopped into was a "fufu"upscale cocktail lounge. After a couple of cold ones he felt an abundance of gas building in his bowels. He figured it was time to cut loose with a GIANT fart. A Gentleman standing next to him exclaimed "How dare you fart before my wife". The biker looked at the man and stated "I'm sorry I didn't realize it was her turn."

Make me Mad
Three biker guys were sitting in a biker bar. This man came in, he was already drunk, sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. The man looked around and saw the three men sitting at a corner table. He got up, staggered to the table, leaned over, looked the biggest one in the face and said, "I went by your grandma's house and I saw her in the hallway, buck naked. Man, she is fine!" The biker looked at him and didn't say a word. His buddies were confused, because he was a bad ass, and would fight at he drop of a hat. The drunk leaned on the table again and said, "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!" The biker still said nothing. His buddies were starting to get mad. The drunk leaned on the table again and said, "I'll tell you something else boy, your grandma liked it!" The biker stood up, took the drunk by the shoulder and said,
"Damn it, grandpa, you're drunk. Go home!"

One Really Bad Day
The following was taken from a Florida newspaper
A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house. The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him and the patio door shattered. The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance.Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down several flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to her husband. After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital, the wife uprighted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife obtained some paper towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet. The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come home. After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated. The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband laying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering from "serious" burns in some strategic areas. The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance. The same ambulance crew was dispatched and the wife again met them at the street. The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband out. He fell down the remaining steps and broke his ankle.

So Gullible
One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy biker bar for possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence laws. At closing time, he saw one of the bikers stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, & try his keys on five different bikes before he found his. Then, sat on the bike fumbling around several minutes, looking as if he might pass out right there. Everyone left the bar and rode off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the biker, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The biker replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."

Packed Lunch
A Honda rider, a Suzuki rider and a Harley rider all worked together building a skyscraper. They were eating lunch together one day on the 30th floor structure. The Honda rider said, "Man, chicken again. If I have chicken in my bucket tomorrow, I'm jumping!" The Suzuki rider said, "Crap, bologna again. If I have bologna in my bucket tomorrow, I'll jump, too!" The Harley rider said, "Well, I've got rice again and if I have rice tomorrow, I'll jump, too!" The next day the Honda rider opened his bucket, had chicken, and jumped. The Suzuki rider had bologna and jumped. The Harley rider had rice, he jumped, too. The funerals were held together and the wives of the three were talking. The Honda widow said, "If I had only known I would not have packed chicken". The Suzuki widow said the same about bologna. The Harley widow just shrugged her shoulders and said, "Don't blame me, he packed his own lunch!"

What did the recently deceased Harly engineer say to St Peter
An engineer from Harly-Davidson dies and goes to heaven
At the gates, St Peter tells him: "Since you've been such a good man
and your motorcycles have changed the world,your reward is that you
can hang out with anyone you want in heaven."
The engineer thinks about it for a minute and says: "I want to hang out
with God."
St Peter takes him to the throne room,and introduces him to god.
The engineer then asks: "Hey aren't you the inventor of women?"
God says: "Ah, yes."
"Well," says the engineer,Professional to Professional, you have some
major design flaws in your invention:
*There's too much inconsistency in the front end protrusion
*It chatters constantly at high speeds
*Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much
*The intake is placed way to close to the exhaust
*The maintenance costs are outrageous."
"Hmmmm,you may have some good points there,"replies God,
"Hold on," God goes to his celestial computer, types in a few words
and waits for the results.The computer prints out a slip and God reads it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God says to the engineer.
"But according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."

Got a Light??
A LORRY is going down the motorway when the driver looks in his mirror
and see's a bike coming up the outside
When he look's again the rider is climbing up onto the seat and starts to
steer with one foot using the other foot to knock on the driver's window
The driver winds his window down as the rider puts a cig in his mouth and asks:
"Have you got a light mate?"
The driver yells" You're gonna bloody kill yourself !"to which the rider replies
" No Way, I only smoke five a day. "

The New Harley
This guy has always dreamed of owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer and he picks out the perfect bike. While getting all the paperwork together, the dealer tells him about an old biker-trick that will keep the chrome on his new bike free from rust. The trick is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and put it on the chrome before it rains, and everything will be fine. He happily pays for the bike and leaves. A few months later, the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She wants him to meet her parents so she asks him to come to dinner. He readily accepts and the date is set. At the appointed time, he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents' house. Before they go in, she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes. After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteen minutes, the young man decides to speed things up. He reaches over and kisses his woman in front of her family. No one says a word. Emboldened, he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. No one says a word. Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws HER on the table. They have even wilder sex. No one says a word. He is wondering what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he reaches in his pocket and pulls out his jar of Vaseline. The father says "Okay, dammit,!! I'll do the dishes!"

The Little Old Lady
A little old lady had always wanted to join a local biker club. One day she goes up and knocks on the door. A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers. She proclaims, "I want to join your club." The guy was amused, but says she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join. The biker asks, "Do you have a motorcycle?" The little old lady replies, "Yep... my bike's parked over there", and points to a Fireblade in the driveway. The biker asks, "Do you drink?" The little old lady replies, "Yep... drink like a fish. I'll drink any man in your club under the table." The biker asks, "Do you smoke?" The little old lady replies, "Yep... smoke like a chimney. At least 4 packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars in the evening, while I'm shooting pool." The biker is very impressed and asks, "Last question, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?" The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, Nope ...but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times."

The Harly mechanic
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley, when he spotted a world-famous heart surgeon in his shop. The heart surgeon was waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike. The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc can I ask you a question?" The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I also can open hearts, take valves out, fix'em, put in new parts and when I finish this will work just like a new one. So how come I get a pittance and you get the really big money, when you and I are doing basically the same work?" The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic....."Try doing it with the engine running!